In the Land of the Dead
by AlchemyBetweenThem
Summary: "Of all ghosts, the ghosts of our old loves are the worst." After Mary left the dining room in S4E01, she hid herself in her room, and had this strange talk with her late husband...


Lying on her bed, Mary Crawley was staring at the white ceiling of her room. She wasn't looking at something in particular, but she was trying to clear her mind and to calm her down after what happened in the dining room a few minutes ago.

At this moment, she didn't really know how she felt. Sad, because of her husband's death. Mad, because everyone in this house seemed to forget that she lost the only human being she truly loved and cared about. Anxious, because she felt stuck in her grief, unable to move on or to think to anything else than Matthew. Helpless, because she was detaching herself from people who wanted to help her.

Closing her eyes, Mary tried to forget everything that occurred these last six months, in order to escape the life that became so hard and cold to her. Just one moment, that was all she was asking for. She would be so glad to have a few minutes of peace, where her head wouldn't hurt by tormenting her with old memories of what used to be a happy and sweet life.

But as soon as she closed her eyes, she felt something on her arm. A breath. She recognized it straight away, it was _his_ breath. These painful memories were back, once more.

"Just like old times," Matthew whispered against Mary's skin, his lips approaching the hands she crossed under her chest, however without touching them. She couldn't help shivering when she heard his voice, this sound which was so sweet to her. Mary could not lie, she had missed it.

"But now, you are dead," replied Mary, opening her hazel brown eyes. She knew he wasn't really there, lying with her on what used to be their bed. Nevertheless, hearing his soft voice and admiring his bright blue eyes one more time was comforting, and tempting. Too tempting, and that was the reason why she kept staring at the white ceiling instead of looking at her late love.

"And I know you don't believe in ghosts, my Darling," he smiled, looking tenderly at his wife. Mary swallowed, her face remaining impassive. As much as she wanted to believe that Matthew, her loving husband and the father of her child, was back at her side, she knew it was wrong, and that if she accepted the presence of his ghost, she would never be able to forget her pain.

"Is there something wrong, my Dear?" asked Matthew after a few minutes.

"Of course there is," said Mary coldly, unable to hide her feelings anymore. "You abandoned your wife, your son, and…" Mary hesitated, wanting him to see how angry she was at him for leaving her alone, but she couldn't say all those horrible things that had crossed her mind in her darkest moments. Anyway, she never really meant it, and anger wouldn't help. She had to be honest. "I'm lost without you. George and I need you, so much."

"If only I could go back in time and stay with the two of you, I would do it. But I can't, and seeing you hurt is unbearable. I know you are strong enough to move on, and to let yourself be happy once again."

Mary sighed at his words. What would he think about her behaviour at tonight's dinner?

"I'm afraid I might not be the person you knew anymore..." she added, still refusing to look at him. She was not his lovely wife anymore. She shouted at Carson, and left the dining room without a word half an hour ago. They all seemed to not understand her state of mind, all too busy with the estate's management when she tried to deal with her husband's death. At one moment, she thought life was beautiful, shiny, and joyful. But everything just vanished in a few seconds, when a stupid car killed her husband and her hopes for a brilliant future at the same time. This feeling was insufferable.

"You are, Mary. I still see in you the stubborn and strong woman I first met in Downton Village eight years ago. The one I fell in love with, and whom I could always count on," Matthew answered.

Mary nearly smiled. She wished she could believe a dead man's ghost, but she couldn't. Of course, she knew he was right. She had to fight for herself, and for George. Still, she was unable to do it, and instead of moving on and leaving Matthew go, she was clinging to him, and hiding in the land of the dead. That was wrong, and it did not prevent her from suffering, however she couldn't help but plunging into this dark place, where she knew Matthew and their past happiness were waiting for her.

"You have to go," she suddenly said, not knowing if she really meant these words.

"Have I?" Matthew asked.

"Yes," Mary whispered. "Because if you don't leave now, I won't be able to let you go in the future. And you know I have to."

She smiled sadly, and she knew he would have been proud of her. This was the woman he knew, the one that wouldn't give up and that would definitely overcome her own pain in order to protect the ones she loved. And as he wasn't here anymore, she was doing it for her family, for their child.

"My heart belongs to you, Mary Crawley, and I know I can count on you to take care of our son, and of Downton, because someone has to. Please, don't forget me," Matthew said, looking one last time at the beautiful woman next to him.

"I promise," she replied automatically. She felt his cold breath on her cheek, and for a second, she hoped for a kiss. But she knew she couldn't get one, that was how it worked, and as hard as it was to not feel his lips on her skin, she had to accept that it will never happen again. Turning her head to the right for the first time since he appeared to her, she saw that he was gone, and immediately after that, she felt lonely.

**THE END.**

* * *

**Hello!**

**First of all, thank you for reading this story, which is my second one on _Downton Abbey_ universe. I love writing on these amazing characters, especially Mary, who is my favorite. I hope you will forgive me for all the mistakes that probably are in this text, I did my best to avoid them... Oh, and in case you didn't know, everything you recognized is not mine! ;)**

**And for the quote in the story's summary, it's a Sir ****Arthur Conan Doyle's one :)**


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